In a story so bizarre...
...I can scarcely believe the events I'm reporting...
...and yet corroborated by a dozen eyewitnesses...
...a white male apparently fell from the sky...
...above downtown Los Angeles today...
...landed in the middle of a busy intersection...
...destroying one vehicle and hospitalizing its elderly driver...
...and was removed from the scene...
...before emergency personnel could respond.
Without a body, the police have yet to piece together events of a day...
...that can only be described as implausible.
Reports of a body landing in the Boyle Heights area...
...have yet to be confirmed, and are being treated...
...as the bullshit they most likely are.
You big cock English.
Strong like horse.
Fuck that.
That's not so bad.
Nice.
Pick up, Eve.
The number you have reached is not in service.
Fuck.
Shit.
You lost?
Nope.
Shit.
On your knees, Slim.
Okay, Chow Mein.
- Who do you work for? - Fuck you, Chelios.
Fucking grunt.
You found me in quite an unpleasant mood this morning, mate.
Now, I'm gonna ask you this question one time.
Who's gots my fucking strawberry tart?
Capiche?
Just spit the fucking name out.
Johnny Vang!
Johnny fucking Vang? Johnny fucking Vang?
- Good boy. Where? - Cypress Social Club!
Cypress- Cypress Social Club.
Now, you're sure about that, ain't you?
Good boy. Thanks for coming.
Now, you can keep that.
Fuck.
Hello. Doc Miles.
Yeah, Doc, it's Chev.
Jesus H. Chelios.
You gotta be kidding me.
Listen. I'm deadly fucking serious, Doc.
These Triad motherfuckers cut out my fucking heart...
...and put in one of those artificial jobs.
You got an artificial heart?
You think I'm having a fucking laugh?
No, but you gotta admit, it's a little out there.
- You take your fucking time, Doc. - You don't have any time.
They're not designed to keep you alive more than a couple of days.
- And don't do anything strenuous. - Yeah, sure, Doc. No problem.
So, what's my next fucking move?
We gotta get a real heart put in you, preferably your own.
- I'm on it. - Okay, you're on it.
- Doc, Jesus fucking Christ! - I'm sorry. Sorry.
Let me- Does that thing have a belt battery pack?
- Check. - How many bars are showing?
- One. - Shit. That's better than none, I guess.
Look, what they did you with is an Avicor Total Artificial Heart.
It's got an internal battery that'll pick up once the belt battery dies.
It's like a reserve tank.
Once the internal battery takes over, you got one fucking hour.
The internal battery charges wirelessly...
...through a transcutaneous energy-transfer system.
Two coils- There's one internal, one external.
- that transmit via a magnetic force across the skin...
...without piercing the surface.
The internal coil receives power and sends it to the controller device.
Does this make any fucking sense to you, Chevy?
It's fucking Greek, Doc.
Greek.
Look, you gotta keep your body electrically charged...
- ... to keep that piece of shit pumping. - Copy that.
- Hey, Chev? - Yeah.
- I'm stoked you're alive, dude. - I'll get back to you, Doc.
Yeah. Call me.
Fuck.
Hey, hey, hey! That's a nice car.
Don't suppose you know where the Cypress Social Club is, do you?
Man, fuck that shit, puto. Let's race, ése.
Don't you tempt me, fucker.
What I need from you is directions.
Shit.
Damn, dog. You good, ése?
Tiger fucking Woods.
Never better.
Greatest day of my fucking life.
You couldn't point me in the direction of the Cypress Social Club, could you?
Well, you ain't too far.
Go down Orange for, like, 2 miles, and then you're there, homes.
You mind giving me a jump?
Just juice me.
Anybody know where's the fucking Social Club?
Donde esta la Social Club?
Buenos nachos, white boy.
This is a fucking social club?
You Johnny Vang?
Go.
- Get lost, bitch. - Fuck you.
- What? - Where's Johnny Vang?
You looking to get your ass killed?
- Wrong expression. - You ain't tapping my ass.
There you go, cupcake.
Fucking no balling for me today, thanks.
There goes my ride!
What is that? Fucking cunt-onese?
I'd rather stick my dick in a blender.
Sticky me.
Hey!
- Johnny Vang? - Yes.
Where?
Hey, dude, why do you run?
Wait for me!
Get out of the fucking car!
- Out! - Get your own station wagon, asshole!
Get the fuck off!
Damn.
Fuck.
You taking it too fast with me.
- Which way? - I want you to take it slow.
Which way?
Hey! Hey.
You didn't ask name.
Shut up a minute, for fuck's sake.
Where is he?
- Johnny Vang? - Yes.
Motherfucker!
Baby.
Motherfucking Chelios!
You like sushi, Chinese man?
How the fuck am I supposed to know what kind of "ese" you is...
...you slanty-eyed fuck?
Check it out.
Sushi.
Hey, Chico.
We can make a deal, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Come on. Come on.
My girl.
Eve.
Eve?
Here, baby.
Eve?
Chev?
Hey, I need you to take your fucking hands off Lemon now, man.
- Who the fuck are you? - Who the fuck am I?
Who the fuck are you? You know this guy, Lemon?
Lemon.
You were dead.
I'm-
I'm so confused right now.
- What's that ticking sound? - Yeah, what is that sound?
You're kind of weird, tick-man. It's time for you to go.
- Randy? - Randy?
Come here.
Not you. Babe, it's-
Who the fuck is that?
Some whore.
Fuck, no. Fuck.
- Look, she's helping me find my heart. - What?
Go away. Come on, let's go.
Baby.
What?
Oh, you dozy cunt.
Baby-
No.
We need his ass alive.
Chev Chelios, let's save some bullets, dude.
Put that away. We've all had a drink.
Should I duck?
Yeah.
Shall we bypass the formalities?
Of course.
Who do you work for, and what the fuck do they want with me?
El Huron.
English. Who's the fucking El Huton?
It's The Ferret.
He wants you alive, so he can watch you die.
Oh, yeah?
- Why? - I don't know.
Doesn't everybody?
Shut up.
You lucky bastard.
Eve, let's go.
Get on the floor now!
Turn around.
Oh, it's on now.
- No! Stop! Stop! - Put her down.
Stop it!
No!
Why didn't you call me?
Like fuck I didn't. Didn't you get my message?
No. Where have you been for the last three months?
I thought you were dead.
I fell a mile out of a helicopter, that's all. True story.
No way. You know what? That's totally possible.
I saw this video on YouTube...
...where this guy's parachute doesn't open, he falls 14,000 feet...
...and he lives.
Yes, baby, I know it's possible, because I fucking did it!
- Quit it. - Since when were you on the Internet?
A lot of things have changed since you died.
I didn't fucking die.
Well, that's besides the point, isn't it?
Hey!
- Where are we going, Chev? - I don't know.
I need to find that slob from the club, the one with the red cooler.
Are you talking about Johnny Vang?
- You know Johnny Vang? - I know his ass.
He's got the box with him all the time.
That box, I need it.
I can bet on my grandma's coochie he's at the horse track.
Dude, you gonna put Johnny Vang on ice?
- Maybe. - That's so fucking sexy.
- Fucking dead. - Didn't they cuff you?
Damn it. Do me.
I'll do you.
Bitch.
Atta girl. I gotta call Doc. I need that cell phone.
Why didn't you just say it? I have a cell phone.
Here.
You got a cell phone.
I got you, okay?
You gotta work for the things that-
- Chevy? - I lost the belt battery, Doc.
- How long ago? - Over an hour.
Jesus Christ. That's not fucking possible, Chevy. You should be d-
Fuck it. Never mind. Look.
It's a wireless system, so any low-level electrical shock to your skin...
...should juice it at least temporarily.
Hey, Chev? I'm a certified heart surgeon.
Well, I was.
Lost my license after I fucked up my ex-wife's...
...vaginal rejuvenation procedure.
That's irrelevant right now.
The point is, if you can get your heart, I'm sure I can put it back in for you.
I'll be in touch when I find that Chinese cocksucker that's got me pump.
Bet you even had to choose between-
Chinese.
Sharon, I just shut down, okay? I couldn't think. I couldn't feel.
Hey, Chocolate? Would you get off your fat ass and get dressed?
Why?
Is Doc Miles gonna have to choke a bitch?
You know that I was waiting for those results too?
- I needed to put things in perspective. - Oh, you needed? You needed?
I think I know who we're dealing with.
Hell no, we won't blow.
Hell no, we won't suck.
Hell no, we won't blow.
Hell no, we won't suck.
Move! Jesus. Shit.
What the fuck!
Shit.
That's right. You're gonna pay me!
We want to make a living.
You carry weapons, we carry weapons in our pants.
We're sick and tired of this.
Pay me my fucking wages, motherfuckers.
Dropping loads all over your silly wages!
They need their money.
You want me to fuck this car?
- Suck my fucking tits. - Get off the car.
I'm gonna bang that bitch in the back.
- Hi. - Give me my money.
We're sick and tired of this.
Just because it's porn doesn't mean we don't wanna do it.
This is a weird scene. We've got pissed-off beaver. I'm in pursuit.
Cunt.
Sit.
Good-
- I'm just making sure. - He's doing what he's supposed to.
Well, he's gotta know who's in charge.
Dude, come on.
- He's gonna eat somebody's baby- - Chill.
- You're gonna get sued. - He's doing what he's supposed to.
Whatever. I wanted a cat.
Fuck.
- See? Way better than a cat, man. - Whatever.
Who's this fucking asshole?
You pair of sausage noodles.
How do you sleep at night?
I'm from PETA. This is animal cruelty, you fuckers.
- Give that back, you liberal freak. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Fucking shame on you two. I tell you. - That's $250.
- Pair of cunts. Press the button. - Take it back.
- Hit him. - Listen-
- Disgusting. - Morning.
Mom would be so proud.
- Sorry about that. Give me that thing. - No.
Yeah, there you go. Go on.
You don't press that button, you're going.
- I'm pressing it. - Press it!
Come on, what's the matter? Fucking wake up.
- Make him press the button, you- - Give him the fucking-
- What are you, fucking useless? - Hey!
Stop right there!
Oh, shit.
See? He lost it. I told you.
Get him off!
Will our insurance cover that?
- Get down! - Cover your head!
- On the ground! - What the fuck is around your neck?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Kaylo?
- Get on. - Both of you down on the ground now!
Kaylo, I thought you were dead.
My name's Venus. I'm from Hollywood.
Kaylo was my brother.
Brother? No shit.
Hey, what the fuck did you hit me for anyway?
I have a condition. FBT, Full Body Tourette's.
I can't control myself.
Jesus! Fuck!
God! What the-?
Motherfuck.
Hey, listen. I'm sorry about your brother.
I need to get to the Hollywood Park racetrack...
...and I mean right the fuck now.
What's the matter, you hurting or something?
- Is that where they're at? - Who?
The sucker that killed my brother. You're Chev "the cheese" Chelios?
The sickest motherfucker that ever vaporized a motherfucker, right?
- Yeah. That's me. - Yeah. So when you get those suckers-
Get a grip of yourself. It's already done.
It's done.
I already took care of the ones that did Kaylo.
- But- All of them? - All of them.
D- E-A-D. Brown Bread.
- Right Said Fred? - Simply Red.
I see.
Don't look so gloomy, Elvis.
I can assure you they did not die pleasantly.
No. You don't understand.
It's a matter of honor.
It should have been me to avenge my brother's death.
Well, so long, Chelios.
My brain hurts.
There is one that I never got to, on account of I could never find him.
- The one that calls himself The Ferret. - El Huron?
- You know him? - No.
- That means "the ferret" in Spanish. - Right. Yeah, I knew that.
Listen, you want to find the dude that made your brother dead, you find him.
Chev?
Racetrack.
You're here.
That you, Chelios?
- I'm running on empty, Doc. - Same here, buddy.
I'm gonna need to stick my dick in a socket.
- I don't recommend that. But friction- - Friction?
Yeah. Skin-on-skin contact creates static electricity.
You're kidding me, right?
Dude, the friction of two like objects causes a transfer of electrons.
Science 101, Chevy.
Probably ditched that class. I did.
Find someone to rub against. It's gonna help.
Well, it's not gonna hurt.
Terrific race.
That's a great horse, mate.
What the fuck, man?
- What the fuck? - You did it.
Mate, that was all you.
Yo, man.
Fucking Doc.
Hey there, mister. Somebody stop him! Stop him.
- Chev. - No!
The horse! The horse!
Get out of there!
Please.
Hey. Wait, wait. Chill out. He's just had too many drinks.
I got him. Okay? Go about your business.
- All right. - Honey, let's go.
- My heart. - Oh, I love you too.
Honey, come on. Over here.
Are you okay?
Is it the Chinese poison?
Friction.
Doc said friction.
Chev.
Friction.
Friction?
- I'll give you friction. - Yeah.
Yeah.
- Babe, what are you doing? - I know how this game works.
- Oh, yeah. It's working, baby. - Okay.
Yeah. Fuck.
Keep going, doll.
Rub it, baby.
- Yeah, rub it. - Fucking good.
Rub it!
- Oh, my God. It's gross. - Hey!
No.
Oh, baby.
Fuck, it's working, Eve.
Oh, smash it fucking good, babe. Come on.
Come on, you motherfucker.
You fucking nailed it, Doc.
You fucking got it, doctor!
- I got it! - Come on, doctor!
Come on, babe, let's switch.
Give the kitty some cream, baby.
Give the kitty some more cream. Move your-
Fucking it!
I fucking love you. I love you so much.
Eve.
Stop!
Yo, help us out, man!
Door number 6.
Come on, man!
Fucking useless.
Yeah?
Well, you ain't no Ralph Macchio yourself, Chev!
Go!
Oh, fuck!
Did I drop some change, or did I hear a chink?
Oh, my God!
- Fuck you, man! - Fuck me?
Give me the fucking box!
Fuck you, Chelios!
Get in.
- Chev Chelios. - Don motherfucking Kim.
So you pull my lily-white ass out of the hot grease again.
Please, don't thank me.
I don't think I shall. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, Jeeves...
...but your slant-eyed associates have taken something...
...of extreme value to me.
And I intend to get it back.
You know what you are, Chev Chelios?
Tell me.
You are a shit magnet.
Your friend has the gay condition.
And now, where were we?
You were about to tell me exactly who's got what I need and why.
You may have heard of the name Poon Dong.
- Only in dirty limericks. - The patriarch of our organization.
Said to be 100 years old.
Considered to be more god than man by the Triad gangs.
But several months ago, word had spread out...
...that Poon Dong had taken gravely ill.
And without a heart transplant, he only had a few days left to live.
- I see. - Of course, that was unacceptable.
Many would have given their hearts...
...from their own breasts to save the life of Poon Dong.
But not me. Fuck that.
But many.
Then word spread out that there was a man...
...who had a heart so powerful that he was capable...
...of surviving even our most deadliest of poisons.
- The Chinese shit. - Yes.
It was you, Chev Chelios.
It was your heart that Poon Dong chose to replace his own.
One more question.
Who the fuck is El Huron, The Ferret?
And how is he involved with all this?
The Ferret?
Let's just say our organizations have a history of conflicting interests.
I see.
Well, it's mighty white of you to help me out like this.
Now, if you don't mind.
Who said I was helping you out?
My reward for returning you to Poon Dong will be great.
- So this is how it is. - This is how it is.